


The Things I do for Love (And Those I don't)

by A_Queen



Category: Code Geass
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 13:16:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11968191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Queen/pseuds/A_Queen
Summary: Lelouch pressed the refresh button on history. This allows for a new start — new attempts at constructing better governments, better morals, and a better world. This doesn't guarantee anything. Darkness finds its way back to people's hearts when a conspiracy for the position of the world's one and only military leader — Zero, takes place. Amongst betrayals, heartbreaks, and feverish dreams, Suzaku dives deeper into the world of Geass, as well as his own confused, wounded heart.





	The Things I do for Love (And Those I don't)

[Suzaku]

     Priority. It places emphasis on certain tasks, or on particular aspects of a whole. It soaks up attention, enhances the urgency on completing the matter at hand, and neglects all background noises — other quests, an alternative solution, or, ironically, the consequences. Euphy’s gentle smile, strained by efforts to fight her dying body, was priority. Her dream, her name, her dying wish…… the wind in her hair, the light perfume she puts on once in a while, and all the innocence and determination in her eyes…… it was what drove Suzaku on for hundreds of battles, through betraying his friends and slaying through countless of bodies. It was his motivation.  
     Motivation. Using it as a judgement for good and evil is ridiculously naive, Suzaku can see it now, because when stripped naked, motivation boils down to one of the two: love, and fear. Either can lead to endings that benefit people, and ones that hurt people. Even results aren’t fair measures — spill no blood and remain status quo, where people are oppressed, or wipe out half the population on Earth but freeing people from war and poverty, even just for a small period of time? Acts are nonlinear, chaotic, unpredictable, like people, and ultimately, they cannot be categorized in simple terms of good or evil. They are both, and neither. Before this, he had a motivation and a moral standard, but now all he was left with is a mask and — dare he say it — regret.  
     Part of the reason why Lelouch, brilliant as he is, came up with a plan that involved sacrificing his own life to free the world from hatred was, he suspected, him. Not that he was narcissistic enough to think he was all, or even the main reason. Lelouch has his own repentance to deal with, as well as the weight of the judgement of everyone he loved. Somehow, though, Suzaku knows that a small factor attributing to Lelouch’s death was his own determination to kill him. Lelouch could, now that he thinks about it, have easily found someone to act as the face of the demonic emperor — C.C., for instance, that undying witch. He could declare democracy for the whole world since it’s basically his. He could’ve guided people, educated people, solved poverty, improved the political system…… he could’ve lived. To finally take a break from the responsibilities and spend time with Nunally, the sole purpose of everything he’s done. This ending isn’t the perfect one — not even close.  
     And he wonders how he never thought of this before. He wonders whether Lelouch envisioned every possible outcome, and still chose this one. He wonders what he was thinking, minutes, days, weeks before his designated death. He wonders if his thoughts lingered on how devastated Nunally would be, or whether the Black Knights would take his identity to the grave, or if it was C.C.’s unfulfilled wish to die, or Kallen (“the only woman I respected,” Lelouch had said). Has he, Suzaku, ever made it on Lelouch’s list of priority? He supposed he couldn’t blame Lelouch if he hadn’t — he hadn’t let Lelouch into his list as well. If he had, well, there was a possibility that Zero’s Requiem would never, ever had happened.  
     Regret. It might be human nature to desire the things out of reach, and only care for the ones you once possessed when they are permanently gone. Humans are hateful, caring, pathetic, beautiful, and most of all, foolish creatures.

     He hadn’t realized how difficult it was, being Zero. Not just strategies and policies, though that’s a nightmare too, for Suzaku (Lelouch can probably make these stuff up in his sleep, that clever bastard) — rather, it’s upholding a standard. What lines to draw and what to forsake for an end goal. Lelouch had favored results heavily, to the extent that there was little he was unwilling to sacrifice in the name of his cause. Right and wrong aside (because there is no right and wrong, it’s a label, it’s all made up —), Suzaku can acknowledge the efficiency in that principle. The problem lies in his inability to execute it unbiasedly all the time (because people are not pawns). Eventually, he decided to abandon it altogether and come up with a new one. Luckily, higher level managers like Kallen turns a blind eye on their CEO’s abrupt change of leadership, even suppressing rumors actively by claiming that peaceful times call for peaceful measures. None have breached the question of identity, not even once. It was as if an acquiescence was made between the Black Knights.  
     School, on the other hand, was — really, Suzaku would like a peek into Lelouch’s mind right now because how the hell did he manage homework and student association business while conquering the world? Suzaku’s not slow per se, but the loading is slowly taking a toll on him. Yet he’s committed to two promises: Euphy’s wish for him to finish school as well as Zero Requiem, and he’ll be damned if he renounces any of them.  
     And it is in those pressured, sleepless nights, that he dreams. Of Euphy’s bloody face, of Nunally’s cries, of Lelouch leaning on him as blood spurts from his chest. Of Emperor Charles and Lady Marianne, of their idealized world, of the past and current world. Of himself, his hands scarlet, as his father’s eyes of disbelief dimming slowly in the sunset. There are other dreams as well, joyful, pleasurable dreams he dare not call to mind. There had been times that he’s tempted to venture down those roads, see where it leads…… but he already knows how it ends.  
     And the last thing the Black Knights need is a leader that’s hooked on Refrain.


End file.
